


Don't tell me you actually read this sh-

by TuonelianTerror



Category: Devil May Cry
Genre: Fic within a Fic, Humor, M/M, Secret Santa, Teasing Dante Power Hour, Twincest, father/son bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-31 01:37:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21036872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TuonelianTerror/pseuds/TuonelianTerror
Summary: that was the only thought in Vergil's head as he and Nero discovered Dante's stash of trashy romance novels while he and Nero bonded over cleaning the DMC agency. Hilarity ensues as Vergil couldn't help but tease his younger brother, until Dante reveals the real reason behind those steamy pages.





	Don't tell me you actually read this sh-

Dante was away on a job. Taking Trish and Lady with him, with a surprise appearance by Lucia, they would be gone for at least a few weeks. Vergil hadn't joined them because someone needed to keep an eye on the agency now that the demons knew where it was. Nero stayed, too, as Kyrie mentioned that it would be the perfect opportunity to bond with his father.

After rolling his eyes and protesting for all of twenty minutes, Nico packed up his bags and threw him into her van. Kyrie merely slammed the door to the home, ignoring Nero's screams and pleads.

Nero could feel Vergil's eyes on him with every movement, assessing him, making trying to converse, he really didn't know. After all, this was the first time they were alone together, and Vergil had twenty-four years to make up for.

"What? Why do you keep looking at me?" Nero asked, "something on my face? My shirt? My fly is down?" Vergil looked him up and down. "What a strong, handsome boy you are." he suddenly said, as Nero burned something red like hellfire. "Am not!" he yelled.

Vergil chuckled. He remembered when Eva called him her handsome big boy when he went on an errand at the local supermarket and returned in one piece. She continued to call him that despite Vergil's embarrassment. Dante would eventually pick up the habit and call him that when no one was looking. It only infuriated him, and he looked for the nearest object to cleave his twin with.

"Yeah well...guess you're...still kinda attractive for an old man." Nero replied, this time causing Vergil to flush red.

Both men looked away in embarrassment. Like Father, like Son.

They were silent for a few more seconds, until Vergil gripped his broomstick, and returned to work, to cleaning the agency. He swept the floors, picking up little things like dust, food crumbs and other particles that latched on to the carpet, while Nero helped out, dusting and cleaning the windows with a full bottle of Windex. One that hasn't been used. "Of course his windows look messy..that bottle is full!" Vergil snapped, rolling his eyes.

"Uncle Dante never cleans, does he?" Nero asked. "Hardly. He thinks because I hate messes, that I'm the housewife that cleans and does the dishes and makes the bed and does the laundry.." Vergil said. "So that's the state of the relationship, you're the wife?" Nero asked, snickering, "maybe you'd like to come over and get some pointers from Kyrie."

Nero shouted as he ducked from a flying sword.

"Dante is my wife, don't you forget it. Secondly, I do not need advice on how to handle him, all things considered to your beloved. And third-"

"Dante? Wife?" Nero asked, blushing, "oh man, I can't wait to tell him you said that!" "Don't!" Vergil yelled. "In fact, I could just call him right-" he shouted and ducked again as another spectral sword flew at his head. "You trying to kill me?" he yelled. "You're pushing your luck, child." Vergil said calmly, a little too calm for attempted murder.

"Alright, alright, I get it.." Nero said, shaking his head. He returned to his task of cleaning the windows quietly, carefully watching his father sweep and mutter Dante's name 10 times in three seconds. Out of annoyance, most likely, for making messes in the agency, when it was nice and clean just a week ago.

By the time they were finished, they had thrown out a dozen boxes of pizza, empty bottles, and porn magazines. Vergil also found mail that was hiding under the desk-unpaid bills, and final notices. One letter in particular stood out; a letter from a girl (woman?) named Patty Lowell. An invitation to an eighteenth birthday. The date on the letter had long passed: June 15th, and Vergil looked at it curiously. Had he chosen to fight Urizen instead of go to the girl's party? The thought made his heart grow warm.

"What's that?" Nero asked. "Who is this Patty girl who asked Dante to a birthday party?" Vergil asked. Nero looked surprised for a second. "Oh...he told me about her once. He said she was a young girl who was living her for a little bit. When she was ten years old, Morrison had her living here...he said..he said that it was the first time he ever really felt like a father."

At that, Vergil raised an eyebrow. "Dante, paternal? I never thought I'd see the day.." "Not like you were, ya know." Nero said, but quickly slammed his hand over his mouth at the look on Vergil's face.

Was that..sorrow? Pity?

"Sorry, that was completely uncalled for." Nero said, sulking. "It is fine, Nero. I..understand you are still bitter about it." Vergil said. "Yeah well, I..I mean I've been alone, orphaned, you just up and left and.." He was cut off when Vergil placed a shaking hand on his shoulder. "Circumstances beyond my control caused me to leave you..trust that had I known you existed, I would have come back for you."

"I suppose vengeance was far more important than fatherhood.." Nero said. Vergil again looked at him. Gave him that look. The one that Nero couldn't exactly pinpoint. "That's not it. Once Mundus was gone, once our enemies were gone, we would have been at peace. And you..would have been in my life. I would have raised you well."

"Yeah, well, life isn't about would haves, it's just about things that happen..what's important is that I'm here now, and so are you. I'm not a child, but..we can be a family. If..that's what you want to call this, very fucked up situation."

"A very fucked up situation...that's a good way of putting it." Vergil said with a light smile. The two went to sit on the couch in quiet contemplation, when Nero found his hand inching closer to his father's hand. "I'm still angry, but I'm learning to live with it. I suppose, you're learning, too." "I am." Vergil agreed. "You mustn't assume that you are not wanted or not welcomed. You are a...cherished member of the family, Nero."

That caused Nero to blush his reddish blush yet. "C-cherished? You...really mean that?" "Of course." Vergil said, "you are my son, after all. If I had any wishes in life, one of them would be that I was there to raise you. I am sure you were the cutest little boy, I would have loved to have held you."

Nero just stared at Vergil. Who was this man, and what had he done with his ice-cold father? Maybe this whole cleaning and bonding thing was a great idea after all, even if it made him nervous and flustered. "Yeah, well..I guess..-"

"May I hold you now?"

Like a giant weight sunk down his stomach, Nero was floored to the couch seat. He didn't know what to do. He was embarrassed, confused, why was his father suddenly affectionate? Was it because he missed Dante and he was looking at the next best thing? Or was he really trying to make up for..

"It's ok if you say no, Nero, I'm not pressuring you." Vergil said. "That's not it, I'm just..confused. Why this all of a sudden? Before you were even afraid to look me in the eye. You looked like your knees would give out even if we were in the same room together." Nero said. "I spoke at length with Dante before he left." Vergil admitted, "and he said that I should try my best to bond with you. And so I am. Trying my best. You know this..does not come easy for me. You saw how long it took for me to even think of kissing Dante."

"Yeah, one year and seven months." Nero said. "I have been contemplating it since we were nineteen. Instead, I chose violence over affection. I..stabbed him with Yamato instead of..Yamato." Vergil said. "Ugh gross, did you just call your dick, Yamato?" Nero asked, cringing. Vergil gave him a teasing look. "Hum...I suppose I did."

"I can't say I haven't called mine Red Queen.." Nero said, "though it got me kicked out of the bedroom." Vergil then looked at him carefully. "Oh, you mean to say that you..are active?" "N-no! Not yet! I mean..we just sleep, that's all!" Nero yelled, "lately, our relationship feels more platonic than romantic..Kyrie spends a lot of time with the orphans and with Nico. She loves spending time in that garage going over her blueprints, and ever since Nico made her a pistol, they've been together almost all the time."

As he spoke, Nero found himself inching closer to his father, until he found himself sitting right by his side. Vergil immediately went to putting his arms around his waist, pulling him onto his lap. "You are a good son, Nero. A good boy. And life will grant you everything you ever asked for one day." Vergil said.

Nero blushed a furious red, but he returned the embrace regardless. "...Maybe it already has. At least..part of it." As he found himself practically sitting on his father's lap, he found himself sitting on something uncomfortable. Something between the couch folds. "Hmm?" he asked. "Nero?" Vergil asked. The younger dug in between the folds when he pulled out what looked like a book, or a novel. Looking at it curiously, it was a picture of a woman in a white dress being held and kissed by a muscled man with long blond hair. The title said __**Sexy Summer Season**...a tale of a bored housewife, a hot summer, and decision to fly across the ocean that will change her life forever.  
  
"What the fuck is this?!" Nero yelled, nearly howling in laughter. "What? Let me see." Vergil said, when Nero put the novel into his lap. The elder looked at with a raised eyebrow. "Is this...a romance novel?!"

Both men suddenly collapsed onto the floor in laughter. Nero had never heard his father laugh, but to him, now, this was the most beautiful sound in the world. Well, only second to Kyrie's singing. Still, it was a sight that caused Nero to stop laughing and just watch his father let loose. When a hand came on top of his, Nero nearly jumped out of his skin. "Nero, come with me, let's explore Dante's room and see if he has any more of these trashy novels, Dante isn't coming back any time soon, so we have time."

"Oh uh...ok!" Nero said, as Vergil chuckled, picking him up off the floor. He followed Vergil into Dante's room, curious as to why it looked so clean. "You cleaned his room, too, huh." Nero said. "Yes. I do..practically live here now." Vergil replied. "Here, you already live in the agency..unless you mean.." he blushed. "Yes." Vergil said, "although I haven't..checked the closet or under his bed. Come on, let's look."

"He's going to know you snooped around." Nero said. "Well of course he is, I'm going to confront him on this, can't let an opportunity like this pass." Vergil said. "My god, you're just like him!" Nero said. "We are twins after all.." Vergil agreed.

They spend a good part of the next hour looking around Dante's room and found more novels laying under his bed, behind his radiator and in his closet, putting them all into piles. Each novel more trashier than the next, a few even borderline porn. "There's a difference between a love scene and a full on porn." Vergil said, as he read a passage that made him and Nero blush. "And what would that be?" Nero asked. "No one..as you say...eats a girl out in a love scene. Oral sex is usually saved for porn." Vergil replied.

"I take you and Uncle Dante have watched porn before?" Nero asked. "Yes, we have. I..found it inquisitive at first. It was like watching strangers have sex, but..it was good education. We learned new things on how to please-" "Dad, ewww! Stop! I can tolerate talking about kissing, but I don't want to know what you two do in the bedroom!" Nero yelled. Vergil smiled. "Aren't you curious about sex?"

"...I know all about it...at least with men." Nero admitted, "I..before Kyrie and I got together, I slept with her brother Credo. And...as you know, I also slept with V."

"So I can imagine it was..bizarre when you found out who V truly was."

"There was a...certain mortification that Uncle Dante won't let me forget.."

"Do I still remind you of V?"

"You do. Now, in particular. I mean, you don't look at me the way he did, but we had this very conversation once. Imagine telling him I slept with my girlfriend's brother..he laughed at me..just like you did." "When you're truly curious about me, you put on the same tone he had, look into my eyes the same way. It can get a little unsettling."

Vergil hummed in contemplation.

"I suppose V and I had a lot more in common than we knew. My human form still lives here." he pointed at his heart. Or was it just his rib cage. "Did my hands, my arms feel the same?" he asked. "No. No..you hands were warmer, his were always cold, seeing that he was always one foot in the grave." Nero replied. "Well, I was on death's door right before the split." Vergil said.

"Yeah...I remember." Nero said, shuddering when he remembered the robed figure who came into his garage and ripped his arm off. His arm tingled in the phantom pain, and once again, Vergil reached out to take his hand. Nero screamed and pulled back, causing Vergil to look at him worriedly. "Sorry! Sorry...initial reaction. Everyone gets that when they touch that hand."

"My apologies." Vergil said.

There was another contemplative silence between the two, when the door opened, and Dante waltzed in. _"Hooooney I'm hooooome!"_ he called out, turning on the light.

He shouted at the sight of a fire in the middle of his carpet, one that while it looked under control, he ran to the kitchen, grabbed a glass and put it out immediately. "Vergil! Were you trying to burn down the house?!" he yelled, immediately regretting his choice of words, when Vergil looked away. "It is fine. Fire doesn't bother me anymore."

Dante screamed again, this time, more like a surprised shriek when he saw his stacks of trashy romance novels around them. They looked open, worn in, and worst of all, read.

"Vergil! What the hell is this?! Where did you find-?!"

Nero could only sit on the sidelines as Dante blabbed and freaked out about this discovery. Apparently, it was something he was embarrassed about, something he never wanted Vergil to see, or know about.

"And when were you going to tell me about this...odd collection, brother?" Vergil asked, crossing his arms. "Never! I didn't even know they were still here, they're Patty's! Not mine!"

"Really now...then can you tell me page 44 of **_All The Lady's Men?_**" Vergil asked. _"She rose off her seat, tossing her hair back, and declared, I am no longer a child, today, I am a woman! And what I do in the privacy of my bedroom is no one's business, especially not the court!"_ Dante yelled, slamming his hand over his mouth as he fell right into Vergil's trap.

"Ha!" Vergil yelled.

"No no no, oh come on, Vergil, don't!" Dante yelled. Nero went into the kitchenette to make popcorn. He had a feeling this was going to be a long night.

Except Nero found himself quickly kicked out and told to go home, because Dante was going to kick his brother's ass. One, for snooping around where he shouldn't, and two, because he was ensnared and couldn't escape. Nero took the quickest Uber route home, as Dante found himself on the floor, next to his stash of novels.

"Mmm..let's read this one..." Vergil said, hovering above Dante as he reached over and grabbed the first one on the pile. **_"Of Skirts and Garters_**...ooh this one sounds sexy." he said, reading the front cover. Dante was held down by a spectral sword, one of Vergil's hands laced in his hair as he opened the book and began to read.

"I'm telling you, it's Patty's! She was growing up and liked this romance shit, not me!"

_"She lifted her skirt, today, Paris went without underwear...how odd for a woman of her status to go without. Andrew looked at her, his eyes slit in eroticness, as he sauted his way towards her. She smelled of raspberry pie and tomato after working in her garden alongside her maids, a Lady of the house would normally not do such a thing, but Paris was more than just a Lady of the house...she wanted more._

_Paris spread her legs once Andrew approached, the cool wetness of her nether regions moist against his hand.."_

As Vergil read, he nipped at Dante's neck, the hand in his hair went down to his crotch. "_His finger dipped inside her, and she let out a sigh, head falling back."_ his finger dipped between his legs, to the cleft of his ass through his pants. Dante sighed in pleasure. "This novel sucks." Vergil said, tossing it away.

He then picked up another one, reading it as he kissed Dante's neck, then went to his lips.

_"He kissed her, bit her lip as his pulsing rod went into her soaked cavern-"_ "Ugh..." Vergil said, tossing that novel away, too. "I can't believe you read this crap."

"Yeah well..what can I say, I missed you when you were gone. Some of them were Patty's, but..some were mine. I wanted the romances I read about. I used to pretend that I was the girls, and the guys were you." Dante said, looking deeply into his twin's eyes.

"Hmm...Dante, I wouldn't...put my pulsing rod into your wet cavern.." Vergil said, voice dipping low, mocking the novels. "Really now.." Dante said, "you gonna leave me hanging, bro?"

"No...I'm going to put my cock into your gorgeous, toned, plump ass." Vergil said, pulling his brother in for a kiss, "and fuck you, all.night.long."

Dante held his head back and sighed into his brother's kiss, "Oh Vergil..", allowing himself to be carried bridal style to their bedroom.

"By the way, I know you told Nero that I'm your wife.."

Vergil growled. He was so going to kill Nero. And after that, he'd pin Dante to the bed and really leave him hanging.

But that's not always how things work out. All his motivation was sapped the moment Dante kissed him once they were between the sheets. His naked body, hot and sweaty pressed against his, arms wrapped around his neck, head leaned back on the pillows, sighing, moaning, crying out as Vergil thrust hard, slow, deep inside him, his legs spread open wide, splaying around his body. Vergil grasped onto his legs, looking him in the eyes as he wrapped those legs around his body, kissing each moan, tasting his love in every kiss.

_"Vergil...Vergil.."_ Dante cried out, digging his nails into his back, scratching, cutting, wounds that would immediately heal, much to their chagrin.

"And so Vergil said to his brother, no other beauty will do, no other will do. For he loved the man beneath him, the man who he'd share life with, the man in his arms.." the elder said, pressing his lips to his neck, kissing him tenderly.

His thrusts went faster as he curled Dante to a new position, lifting his legs higher, as Dante's cries reached another octave. "And never, would Vergil want another. When his**_ everything_** is right here in his arms, everything he lost, everything he found, everything he came back to, devoted, beloved."

Dante swooned beneath him, swept off his feet as he pulled Vergil in for a kiss. "And Dante's **_reason_** above him, thrusting deep into his very core, how much he loves getting fucked by his big brother...oh he was such a slut for his cock..."

Vergil laughed at the pure filth coming out of his mouth, so much like Dante...everything he loved about him.

True to his word, he thrust into Dante as the morning sun rose up, the glow of the bedroom through the blinds making Dante look like an angel between the pure silk white sheets. Dante had already come so much, smelling like sex and sweat, Vergil leaned into his chest, breathing in his scent as he finally came for the last time, falling into his embrace.

"And Dante..loves his brother with everything he had..." he breathed, nuzzling his forehead as he panted, kissing him.

"As does Vergil...forever. Eternal.."

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Hope you like the gift! It's a secret :p but I tried to add together as many prompts as I could, more fics are coming as I have the time ;)


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